How You Know When It's Time to Say Goodbye
Bad Behavior in Friends Can Mean It's Time to End It
Mar 5, 2009
Some friendships can have a toxic influence in one's life, and while it always seems the best to try to resolve disputes and misunderstandings between friends, there are times when it is best to let that friendship go. These friends (so-called) are those that carry such dark forces that one gets caught up in behavior that does not serve life.
Some Examples Include
- Friends who drink in excessive amounts and encourage others to drinks excessively as well.
- Friends who tell lies or are deceitful and deny it when caught in the lie.
- Friends who don't know how to listen or respond to others. It's all about them all the time.
- Friends who excessively complain about whatever is going on around them.
- Friends who gossip about other people which makes you worry that they also gossip about you.
These people can be carrying their own shadow material but are unable to see it. They are involved in negative projections. This means that what they can't see in themselves, they instead see in others. These people are the ones who do the most complaining about everybody else. Often what they see in you are things that are only in themselves. You wonder why you feel defensive and made wrong much of the time. This is why.
Making Excuses for Bad Behavior
Sometimes one friend gets caught in the other so-called friend’s projection and makes excuses for that person’s bad behavior. Such statements as "She has had a really hard life" or "I'm just as bad as she is" or "Underneath he's a really good person. He just needs understanding and love" are frequent. These types of justifications always seem off. Even the person using them knows this deep down.
Negative Transference
Some friends are transferring their own family history onto you. For instance, if this friend grew up in a home where this sort of negative behavior was the norm, chances are this person still views these behaviors as normal. It is difficult sometimes to see clearly certain dynamics that go on in one's family of origin. If Dad yells at Mom then yelling is a common way to deal with differences. If one or both parents are heavy users of drugs or alcohol, this patterns is passed down. Often children from this sort of dysfunctional home have a harder time stopping these behaviors because they feel normal.
How to Tell a Friendship is Bad?
- Do you get involved in activities with this person you would never do on your own?
- Do you feel uplifted by this friend or do you feel drained, depleted and often depressed?
- Can you trust this person with intimate details of your own life or do you worry that your friend blabs?
- Do you feel better about yourself or worse about yourself after spending time with this friend?
- Do you engage in gossip, behave and speak to others in ways that don't feel like you?
If any of the above is true it is time to reexamine this friendship. Begin by speaking to your friend and saying you do not want to engage in these behaviors anymore. If the friend does not acknowledge that anything is wrong, this is a strong clue that your friend will not change.
If your friend replies that you, too, are just as guilty of these things and won't listen to your concerns this is a red flag. If your friend can support you in these changes, that’s great! If your friend undermines your intention to change by comments that make you feel belittled and unheard it is time to end this friendship.
For a more thorough understanding of projections and working with shadow material read What is the Shadow in Jungian Psychology as well as Five Ways to Meet the Shadow.
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