Most people are terrified of cancer. They are traumatised by finding that someone they know has the disease, and blurt out the first thing that comes into their minds when they see you.
Coping with Fear
When you yourself are terrified that the person you love may die, when you are in shock because you have just heard the news and are still trying to process it, and it seems as though your life has been shipwrecked and you’re battling to survive each day, the last thing you need is to have to deal with other people’s fear as well as your own. The following tips may help you cope with the responses of colleagues and acquaintances.
- Establish firm boundaries. You may find that people you barely know hurry up to you in public places and insist on knowing how you are, how you really are, whether you are really coping because they don’t know how they would cope if someone they love got cancer. Be ruthless. They can cause you unnecessary distress. You don’t need their fear added to your own. A polite ‘I’m hanging in there, thanks,’ is all that’s necessary. If they insist on talking, make up an excuse, e.g. ‘Sorry I can’t talk now, I’m expecting the doctor to call.
- When the news first gets out you may find you’re inundated with phone calls. You aren’t obliged to take any of them. It’s exhausting repeating the same news over and over again. Set up the answering machine and only return those calls you want to, and do it in your own time, or ask a friend to man the phone. What matters now is your immediate family, and dealing with the shock you’ve had.
- Cut off the fear mongers. Some people, acting not from maliciousness but from their own place of fear, blurt out stories of someone they know who had the same kind of cancer, and who died from it. When you hear the words, ‘My sister’s friend had cancer…’ or whatever, cut them off. Say, ‘Please, I can’t handle any scare stories.’ They will rethink whether it's appropriate to tell you and you will be saved unnecessary trauma.
- Other people react by telling you about remedies you just have to try, doctors who have the cure for cancer and will give you books to read that they just know will help you. People who have definite cures and answers can seem very beguiling, but be careful in whom you put your trust. Your local cancer association is a good place to start if you want to research treatments, and many have councillors who are specially trained to help those suffering from cancer and the people who love them.
You can read more about coping with a cancer diagnosis in Waiting for the Results of Medical Tests, When Medical tests bring bad news, and When Cancer tests bring bad news.
