This article examines the behaviors children exhibit when they lose a parent. The information is based on research and is useful for counselors/ family members.
There is now substantial evidence of the profound impact the loss of a parent has on a child’s life. According to Volkan (1984-1985), difficulties and complications regarding the grieving process can begin as soon as death occurs. In 1995, Harris authored the book The Loss that is Forever: The Lifelong Impact of the Early Death of a Mother or Father. This work substantiated that the loss of a parent for a child is catastrophic and so powerful that their lives are dramatically altered.
A Counselor's Guide to Understanding Children's Behaviors from Loss of a Parent
Based on Harris’ research (1995) counselors often make fundamental errors when they compare the experience of loss felt by an adult with the loss that a child feels when a parent dies. It is helpful for them to be aware of the various behavioral symptoms, effects, and repercussions of major loss on children’s lives.
Children:
- Experience loneliness and the feeling they are different
- Their stories of pain and sorrow are forever etched in a secret place in the child’s mind
- The emotional space of the child’s world is completely ripped apart
- They are unable and completely incapable of surviving alone
- They have no developed sense of identity
Harris noted children that have experienced the loss of a parent are completely dependent on classmates, family members, and friends for emotional support.
- The very concepts and language of the child are inadequate to capture the pain, the horror, the panic, and terror of the loss of a parent
- There is no vocabulary conclusive enough for a child to express what they feel
- They have no words to help them understand what has happened
- Their new world is marked by total discontinuity
- Everything feels different and unusual
- A terrifying sense of insecurity marks the life of the child
- They feel that nothing is safe or predictable
- A sense of profound emptiness invades the child’s world
- They become completely engulfed by loss
- They feel there is no one to help them share the sadness of their loss or to help them hold on to their memories of the past
- They feel rootless, of having no secure or solid ground to rest
- They have no sense of direction
- They often feel as though their core self is lost
- Children continue to seek the lost parent for a period of time (Rando,1984)
The loss of a parent creates an aftershock of emptiness, which leaves a void in the soul of the child that can never be filled. A look of “unbearable longing” (Harris, 1995, p. 19) is recorded in dramatic images in the mind, conveying the absolute severity of the experience.
